In her book The Good Divorce, Dr. Constance Ahrons, a family therapist, talks about how to make the best of an unfortunate situation. For while divorce is indeed unfortunate, it need not be bitter or tragic if the two people divorcing can look at the bigger picture, and if the two people can behave ethically.

Ahrons begins by reminding us that there is no longer such a thing as a "normal" family. Family is more about the way we value the people with whom we live than it is about who is biologically related. The first piece to a good family life and a good divorce is valuing family, whatever that family looks like.

Another important piece is to understand what divorce truly is, and not the myths we may have about divorce, including, again, the notions we have about what is "normal." So many people assume that because of what they have heard about divorce, that it must always be about recriminations, blaming, and anger. While divorces most often do have some of these elements as an initial motivator, these emotions do not have to be the driving forces if the couple can maintain a civil attitude toward the process.

As she points out, even the movies show us the variety of experiences that people have these days. Everything from The War of the Roses, where the couple eventually kill themselves waging the great war of divorce, to Hannah and Her Sister, where the main character marries his ex-sister-in-law and continues a close relationship with his ex-wife, to Mrs. Doubtfire and Second Time Around, where one of the partners must go through the pain of rejection, but eventually these two different characters come around as better and more fulfilled people. (See all these movies for a bit of perspective.)

The formal part of the divorce, the legal part, is usually the last of what has probably been a long series of events that led to the break up. As Ahrons states: "This is a group of actions and documents in which you and your ex encode the compromises of your limited partnership into a variety of legally binding agreements: custody, spousal support, community property, and child support." It is to this group of events that your legal advisor is your important aide and director. A minister or other family counselor can also be important in helping smooth the process. Make use of the skills of all these professionals in making a divorce as good a process as possible.

Hate and revenge are often the main concerns of the divorcing couple, which explains why divorces are so often difficult. If, though, you hope to achieve the highest level and most long-lasting peace and contentment, then remember that there is such a thing as a "good" divorce, and work toward that end. At the end of the legal proceedings, and in the years to come you, and your children, will be in a better and happier emotional place, which is how we all achieve the most in life.

Return to Jeanne M. Hanson Home Page

Last posted: October 20, 1998
www.hanson-law.com/article4.html